"Forgiveness is giving up all hope of having had a better past."

I got a real job this week. Salaried management position with health insurance. I got a job this week, not because I am lucky, which I most certainly am, but because I am sober. I got a job this week, not because I stopped drinking, but because I've been cleaning my 'house'. I got a job this week because I asked God for help. I got a job this week because I asked God to help me move out of the way so that I could find my good. I got a job this week because when I sent in my resume I left Eileen on the couch watching TV. I got a job this week because I left Eileen in the car when I went in for the interview. I got a job this week because I finally stopped trying to run the show. I got a job this week because I have forgiven myself for the jobs I didn't get and the jobs I didn't keep and the jobs I didn't appreciate. I got a job this week because I have forgiven myself for the time that I lost myself. I got a job this week because I trust. I got a job this week because I had faith that when the time was right, I would get a job.

I got a job this week even though I spent last week hugging myself in the mud because I hurt so bad that it was all I could do. I got a job even though the hurt got even worse. I got a job this week because even though I thought the pain would literally kill me, life goes on. I got a job this week because relationships end, and relationships begin, and people die and people live and we get jobs and we lose jobs and some times we hurt so fucking bad and sometimes joy sneaks up on us and we try to remember to say out loud 'If this isn't good, I don't know what is' and we do not give up. We do not give up. We do not lose faith. We do not stop doing the next right thing. We are ok. I am ok. I got a job.

I can't even

I have reached my maximum threshold for emotional pain.

Salad Bar Catholic

I like to call myself a "Cafeteria Catholic" (take what you need and leave the rest). I'm actually more of a "Salad Bar Catholic" or even a "Side Salad Bar Catholic" (take things like croutons and pudding and leave the actual 'salad' part). However, in my attempt to get myself more spiritually fit and physically fit, I decided I would do Lent this year. So I was thinking, I've given up a lot of stuff this year. Lots of stuff that was bad for me but things that I enjoyed (at some level, I guess), so I've decided to start something for lent rather then stop something. I'm going to exercise every day of lent. I mean, its sort of giving up something if you really think about it. It will significantly cut into my napping with both the actual doing of the exercising and the extra energy I hope to get from the exercising. It's giving up being comfortable for a period of time everyday. I value comfort above most things. So I really think that God will be cool with my plan, if God exists, which I'm still pretty skeptical about. It doesn't really matter because it is making me and will continue to make me feel better, which is what my life is all about today.
Thanks for letting me share.

nose bleeds and other things

Dear Top Secret Diary,
Mary got a nose bleed today. I saw it before she did and I tried to say 'you're bleeding' but it just came out as 'uhhhh ohhh nooo' because before I could say it she went to rub the bloody part of the tissue on her eye. Luckily other people were faster and not as freaked out as me (we maybe a little freaked out because) she was urgently told by several people what was about to happen. I almost fainted. Blood really freaks me out in a special way. It makes my stomach turn and even as I'm sitting here now, several hours later, my stomach is still not right side up.
Another thing is when I got home I decided to watch a little TV and Friday the 13th was on. The info simply described it as 'Friday the 13th' but it was made in 2009. I dont know what it was supposed to be but it took place at Camp Crystal Lake or whatever but it was abandoned and there were just dead bodies in canoes and Jason's lair under the camp. Anyway there was lots of weed smoking and boobies.
Have a nice day!
Eileen

Its soooo windy....

How windy is it? So windy, I smiled and my teeth dried up and my lips got stuck in a smile all night long. I was unintentionally super friendly and fun. I was fun and not socially awkward. This was like a fun party time until I could get my paws on some extra strength Vaseline. My smile got loose and so, I had a slippery smile for a few minutes. Like one of those baby beauty pageant girlie boos. I want a flipper. Everyone should just get one. Or I should just get one so my fancy smile would be the best in the room. Hold on, I need to drink some Alki-seltzer.... Thai chicken. brb
back.
I swallowed a piece of the raw tablet that was not all the way fizzed. It was kinda fun but now my burps are salty.


bye from Christopher over there in Convention Hall in Asbury Park on Halloween!

oh look i wrote something.

no i didn't.

Hallelujah

I'm sitting on a jetty on the Atlantic Ocean with Leonard Cohen. Well, he's sitting. I'm being fidgety as usual. Sitting down, standing up, twirling wet slimy sea weed in my fingers. He is deconstructing "Hallelujah" for me even though I didn't ask him too.
It goes like this
The fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah

Yes, I'm confused as you are. Those are just the lyrics. But hes telling me them in the matter of fact way that he does. I felt I had to listen carefully to what he was saying.
I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though
It all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

Of course I asked him what it was all about as I tend to do. He told me to just sit still and be quiet and listen to the ocean. So I did and then it came. It was Ryan Seacrest who might also be made of pure gold. As Leonard is. I told them about how, in my veins, asphalt flows. And my organs are made of tar and white dotted lines. My tongue is an expansion bridge and my eyes are orange cones. They understood. They felt sorry for me. Which is not what I wanted.